maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
