John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
