there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
