I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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