Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
