I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
