im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
