i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
