He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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