Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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