Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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