Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize