the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize