So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
