That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
