Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
