At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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