my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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