My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
