I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
