I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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