we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
third nipple confirmed
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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