We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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