I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
