if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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