she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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