How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
