Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
