if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
