someone get that fucking seahorse.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
