I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
