I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
