is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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