i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
