Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
