my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
