I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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