She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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