Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
