is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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