I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
