Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
