she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
