i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
