saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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