Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
