I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize