pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
