Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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