I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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