After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize