tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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