So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i think my cat just said my name.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
