so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
