Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
