On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
