I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize