What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
