are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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