very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
