My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
