i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
