Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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