Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
