How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
