I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
