just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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